Better days

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. The last time I wrote anything on this blog was a year and a half ago (!!!) That’s very weird to look back on right now. So much has happened since then and my life is very different today compared to the beginning of 2018.

So let’s see; I moved to a new city 10 hours away from my family and friends. I first moved into my own apartment, but moved in with 5 others three months later. I began my first year of university and started studying something that I truly found interesting, but yet very demanding.

It’s crazy how fast a year goes by. In many ways I am happier today. However, there are certain areas in my life where I feel helpless and lost. It’s hard to describe it, but at times I feel sadness and loneliness creep into my head and I feel broken. I am very grateful for my life and I feel very lucky for the life my parents have given me. I don’t want to complain and feel sorry for myself, because I truly don’t see the long term benefit with that lol. It does more harm than necessary! However, I sometimes wish I wasn’t so emotional and that when certain things happened in my life I would move on instead of dwelling on it for months and years to come! I pray one day I will find my peace, in whatever form that might be. Let’s all pray for better days to come, because I know they exist, somewhere behind the grey, cloudy skies in our minds.



One life… No time to waste…

It was a hard choice to make, but very necessary at the same time.

I needed to make that decision to grow and let go of a dream that wasn’t mine anymore.

It didn’t fill my heart with joy or happiness.

Instead… Holding on to that dream crushed my future, my faith and my love for life.

I am free, it’s the sound of peace.

Why I quit nursing school

Ever since I was young, I have always wanted to study nursing. Something about the thought of helping others made me feel good. I’ve always loved people and being someone’s friend, so I thought that nursing was literally made for me.

I was 20 when I started nursing. When I look back, I think I liked more the idea of nursing if that makes any sense. During my first semester, we had one week with anatomy and  the other week with practical procedures. I realized when I was going to my classes how this was not how I thought my days would look like. To be quite frank, I never knew what to expect when I first started nursing, but this was not it. I didn’t really enjoy the subjects at all. While we were in class, I felt so isolated and I didn’t enjoy it. I thought my second semester has got to get better (!!!)

During my second semester, I had my first clinical experience in a nursing home. It was 10 weeks and I’ve never been more unhappier than in that time period. I was wishing my days and nights away… Even though I loved to help the elderly, it was something in the back of my mind that I could not shake off. It was this truly bad feeling that this was completely wrong for me. I even started looking at other schools. But I didn’t want to disappoint anyone! What would my friends think?!

After the summer, it felt really hard to start my third semeste, but I tried my best to have an open heart. I had mixed emotions going into this new year and I didn’t know what to expect. After 1 week with classes, we went straight to clinical at the hospital. It was tough. I cried almost everyday, I suffered from panic attacks before going to the ward and it was so hard. My self esteem had hit rock bottom, I basically didn’t feel good enough and I felt like I was doing something that I didn’t enjoy. After my clinical, it was straight back to school. I felt very sad and I lost my appetite; not only for food, but life in general. There were many days I couldn’t get out of bed, because I thought “What’s the point?” And the thing is, having those feelings are so unlike me, because I usually love my life and I try to be grateful for everything I have. But suddenly, I just hated my life and everyone in it. That’s when I knew something was very wrong.

At the end of my third semester I did, surprisingly enough, take my exam. I didn’t get a very good grade, but I could not care less. And that’s another sign of when I knew something was definitely wrong, lol. It was so unlike me, this careless behaviour… I would basically go to school and when I came home, I would lay in my bed with the lights off, either crying or sleeping. It makes me so sad to think about, looking back at it now. When I decided to quit after Christmas, it was the best decision of my life. I felt like I had truly given my all at clinical and in my classes. I think I am way too sensitive, vulnerable and emotional for this profession. I thought that if you treated people good and loved to help others, nursing is the profession for you. But it’s so much more and it’s truly not for me. I enjoyed the patients and caring for them, but I have always envisioned myself working in an office helping others. That’s why I’ve decided to study social work this upcoming fall. I couldn’t be more happier with my decision.

When I reminisce on the time in nursing school, I think it was more the practical side of nursing that I didn’t enjoy that much. It didn’t give me confidence at all and I looked back at high school and all the subjects I was good at. Like writing, law, sociology, religion… I figured that those are all subjects important in social work. I think it’s okay to change your mind. I’m not the same person today as a 22 year old woman, as I was when I started as a 20 year old girl. I needed this experience to figure out who I am and what I like and dislike. The worst part is, I always felt like nursing was the wrong thing for me, but I kept on going because I didn’t want to let anyone down. But the truth is, I just let myself down, and that’s an even worse feeling!

I’ve realized that after this experience, you only have one life and there’s no time to waste. Always trust your inner voice and love yourself first. You know so much more than you realize.

A new year

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life last Christmas. Where do I want to go? Do I like the person that I am? Have I done the right thing ?

It’s a new year now and my mind is filled with excitement, fear, joy and empowerment. I always love the feeling I get when we’re just ending an old year and we step into a new one. It’s that uncertainty of what’s to come… You feel different on New Year’s Eve, I mean, you really do! You think that you are going to become this confident, brave, better version of yourself in the year to come… But in reality you’re just stuck with the same old body, mind and life.

What I love about the new year is the motivation it brings. I just feel so motivated to be a better version of myself, to learn to love myself and open my heart up to other people and not be so hard on myself. I love my life… Sometimes it’s hard and I question things too much. Have I chosen the right path? Is nursing school the right thing for me? Do I live 100%  authentically? There are so many questions and the new year is supposed to give me some answers. Because I know with time and patience, everything will work out and happen the way they should be.

Born to be me

Kurt Cobain said he would rather be hated for who he is than liked for who he is not. I really like this quote when I first read it, which is a minute ago by the way! I knew when I read this, that I had to share it here.

It’s important to always be proud of yourself, no matter what. If you know that the actions you are doing is being lead by your honest heart, then no one can tell you if it’s wrong or not. Even if it is wrong, you will learn from them. But it is not in other people’s power to tell you that. In order to learn, it has to always start with yourself.
I just started in a new class a couple of months ago. I don’t really care if they like me or not, because I know who I am and I will never change for anybody. I have been there, done that. As long as I’m me, that’s all that matters. Remember that you were born to be you and no one can take that away from you!

Wishing the days away…

The days are so long. Every morning I am thinking of when I will be back home. Home to my mom. Laying in my own bed… Spending lazy sundays baking cookies and apple crumble pies. Going to the library and discover new books…

I am very grateful for everything in my life, but I think if you are homesick and not truly happy, it does not matter where you are in your life. If you got happiness, then that is all you truly need.  Who cares if you are living in a big city; the city of love; if you are not happy?

Being away from my own home country have made me realised how grateful I am for the life I have back home. All of my friends from school that I am so grateful for, and all of the small shops in my small town that I adore.

However, I am going to try and enjoy my time here as much as possible. I am not a quitter and I am going to make the best out of every situation! Maybe my time here was not as I expected it would be like, but that is okay! Because life is unpredictable and you can not predict the future. We just need to be grateful for the good people we have in our lives, because that is what truly matters at the end of the day.

I don’t know why, but I feel so alone. Every morning I just cry, because I feel so empty inside. I thought that going to Paris would be great. I would wear my most beautiful clothes, have fun with new friends, walk along the Seine, go out all the time. But it’s so different from what I imagined it would be like.

I guess when you start in a new school, there will always be hardships that you have to face. It’s hard making new friends again, and I feel alone in a new crowd. I have been getting to know some people, but I still feel alone and hopeless. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to move in by myself? Maybe I just should have moved in a dorm or something, or with a host family. That would have seriously been so much fun!

I always say to myself to stay positive, because that is my motto in life. Whenever a negative thought enter my mind, I always try to change it to a positive one…

I think I’m just really going to focus on school and be good at that. I guess the rest will just happen when it happens.